Learning How To Have An Effective Marriage Seminar
Get notes by e-mailing me at norm@revelfellowship.com
Learning How To Have
An Effective Marriage
By
Dr. Norman Wise
Learning How To Have An Effective Marriage
Honor Marriage
4 Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4 NASB]
Outline of An Effective Marriage
- Foundation of Effective Marriage
- The Three “Golden Processes”
- The Gospel & Marriage
Foundation
- Sanity
- Stability
- Spirituality
Sanity
Discover Reality
- Face The Facts
- Adapt To What The Facts Are
Stability
Remaining in reality regardless of the insanity surrounding us.
Spirituality
31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. [Eph 4:31-32 NASB]
Key Idea
My sanity, stability, and spirituality does not depend upon or come from my spouse.
Marriage Is Sacred
The purpose of Marriage is mainly aimed at making us more like Christ than simply giving us pleasure
Marriage matures us in the meaning of true love
Recommended Book - Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Marriage Is The Gospel
Questions?
Three Golden Processes
- Fighting rejected for Conflict Resolution
- Friendship developed in Conversations
- Fun experienced in life long dating
Conflict Resolution
Time out instead of Time Bomb
Summary of Time Out
Stop When Elevated
Take a breath and say a prayer
Observe the situation objectively and in writing -
Define thinking
Emotions
Solutions
Plan a time to talk
Notes
Time Out In Detail
“The Time-Out Process
Who? Time outs are helpful to use in relationships that you want to maintain. You would not use this procedure with strangers or with others with whom you have not already discussed the process.
When? Either partner can call a time out if a discussion/argument is starting to feel out of control. Most people cannot think clearly when angry, so postponing the discussion until both people are calmer is helpful.
** VERY IMPORTANT: Discuss the use of this procedure at a calm time.
Key points to discuss:
1. Choose a mutually agreed-upon signal for the use of time out.
Note: It is best to have both a verbal and nonverbal (hand signal) way of communicating the need to take a time out
2. Both agree that the partner will not follow the person who is taking the time out.
3. When someone calls a time out, end the discussion immediately. Trying to get in the last word is not helpful.
4. When you choose to take a time out, you need to tell the other person
a. What you are going to do
b. Where you are going (e.g., next room, for a drive, to a friend's house)
c. When you will return (certain number of minutes/hours)
Example: “I’m going to Wal-Mart to cool off, and I’ll be back in an hour.”
While taking the time out:
It is not helpful to obsess about how angry you feel at the other person during this time.
Rather, it's a time to cool down so the discussion later can be more productive. Thinking about options for how to solve the problem can be helpful. You can consider what to do to improve the situation and make things work for both partners.
Upon returning to discuss:
1. The person who initiated the time out approaches his/her partner in a kind, gentle manner.
2. Each person presents his/her solution to the problem, and the other person listens without interrupting.
3. Both people focus on what aspects of the solution will work (rather than focusing on what won't work).
4. Together, choose parts of both solutions that will satisfy both parties.
Pointers for the discussion:
- Do Be flexible.
- Listen carefully.
- Be open to compromise.
- Use I statements.
- Don’t Focus on "all-or-none" solutions.
- Be rigid in only being open to your solution
- (e.g., “my way or the highway”).
- Criticize the other person for his/her ideas.[1]”
"People with deep and lasting friendships may be introverts, extroverts, young, old, dull, intelligent, homely, good-looking, but the one characteristic they all have in common is openness." Alan Loy McGinnis
Notes
Peace Table Weekly
- Talk about important issues without interrupting
- Find out what you both need
- List ways to solve the problem
- Choose the idea you both like the best
Deal With The Baggage
Foundation
Sanity
Stability
Spirituality
Questions?
Notes
Friendship Development
Daily Conversation
Topics
- Good
- Bad
- Ugly
- Dreams
Be Open
"People with deep and lasting friendships may be introverts, extroverts, young, old, dull, intelligent, homely, good-looking, but the one characteristic they all have in common is openness."
Alan Loy McGinnis
Three Aspects
- Shared Communication
- Shared Commitments
- Shared Communion
Questions?
Notes
Fun Dating
- A Weekly Commitment
- A Planned Event
- Focus on Fun
Creative & Unique
- Make a list of possible dates
- Be spontaneously planning
- Have dates that range from free to expensive
- Have both people choose dates
- Husband the leader in the weekly date
Make A Plan
Dating Fun For Couples by Vern Jenson
Little Book Of Great Dates by Greg & Erin Smalley
What About Sex?
- We will have sex when all our problems are resolved
- We will have sex and not be working on our problems
- Sex is our problem
Healthy & Holy Sex
It an expression of unconditional love and commitment to the marriage
Don’t Hurry But Hug – Slow & Sweet
Seek the other person’s pleasure
Respect the other person’s principles
Sex is not love but an expression of love only in marriage
Learning How
Intended for Pleasure by Edward Wheat
Questions?
Marriage Is The Gospel!
31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. [Eph 4:31-32 NASB]
7 Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. [Rom 15:7 NLT]
My Two Books
Sane Relationships by Dr. Norman Wise
Learning to Love in 27 days by Dr. Norman Wisee
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