Learning How To Set Boundaries
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Boundary
- You must create a "space" for self-nurture
Lev 19:18 ESV You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.
What do I need to do to be sane, stable, safe, and spiritual?
- Say no to giving away time essential for my spiritual disciplines unless it is a true emergency
- Say yes to giving time to things essential to your practicing your spiritual disciplines
- Say no to do things that damage you mentally, emotionally, or spiritually
- Say yes to things that heal you mentally, emotionally, or spiritually Dangers
We put so much time into "self-nurture" that we don't do give to others in a healthy way.
We neglect self-nurture and then "crash and burn" doing great harm to ourselves and others. II. You must define the proper space for each person in your life
- Sexuality and romance are limited to only our spouses. We say no to everyone else.
- For single people we must limit our sexuality and remain pure even in dating
- I must define my "love duty "towards other people in specific, measureable, action defined, realistic, and time defined ways. I only have 168 hours a week that Ican give. I am limited in time and resources and therefore must prayerfully and carefully choose how I will invest these resources.
Define your inner circle, village, and strangers
- You should have a private world which is a space only for God and you.
- You need to identify the 5 to 15 people who make up your inner circle. This is the people that you have decided to have emotional intimacy with. You have decided to say "yes" to this group the most in giving them time, support, care, and nurture. To maintain these relationships requires about one hour a week in meaningful conversations although some people have "seats at the table" because of their positions in our lives.
Boundaries here must be set against abuse actions against you. There is no excuse for abuse.
Abuse is physical attack. Abuse is verbal attack. Abuse is emotional manipulation and attack. Abuse is improper sexual words or actions. Abuse is using God and guilt to control others. Abuse is threat of abandonment or rejection to control others. We must say "NO" to abuse.
Examples of boundaries
If someone attacks us we call 911
If someone verbally hurts us we end the conversation
If someone emotionally manipulates us we confront them on it
If someone attempts to force us to have sex against our will we refuse
If someone "uses God" to win their point we confront them with using the "God card"
If someone threatens abandonment or rejection we refuse to agree simply based on their threat
II. Our village is those people that we trust and make up our "social network" in which we strive to help each other to accomplish purposes.
We will reveal our "public selves" to those in our village. To maintain relationships to those in our village takes about one hour a month on a regular basis but this can be done in social settings and not one on one. People will also have "seats at the table" here as well and have "membership in the village".
If someone acts in an abusive manner we can remove them from the village and place them in the role of the outsider. We can limit time with those who will not respect our boundaries.
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Saying yes is not always the loving thing to do
Ill. Ministry to the outsiders - Our Mission of grace
Mat 5:38-48 ESV "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' (39) But Isay to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. (40) And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. (41) And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. (42) Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. (43) "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' (44) But Isay to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, (45) so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. (46) For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? (47) And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? (48) You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Give more than expected but not more than you can
Luke 14:12-14 ESV He said also to the man who had invited him, "When you give a dinner or a banquet, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, lest they also invite you in return and you be repaid.
(13) But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, (14) and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the just."
Luke 14:28 ESV For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?
Mat 21:28-30 ESV "What do you think? A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work in the vineyard today.' (29) And he answered, 'I will not,' but afterward he changed his mind and went. (30) And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, 'I go, sir,' but did not go.
Under promise and over deliver
It is passive aggressive to say "Yes" and then not do it. Conclusion
Boundaries - Making my yes mean yes and my no mean no
Recommended Books
Sane Relationships by Dr. Norman Wise
Learning to Love in 27 Days by Dr. Norman R. Wise
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life ; Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend